At the Office
by crazy2696
Summary: Just random stuff that goes on at our favorite Colonel's office.
1. The 100th time

**A/N: Hello there! Long time no…update? Sorry, my computer wasn't working and I didn't have any ideas, but now I do! I wanted a place where I could post totally random tidbits and I thought I know! This is perfect! So, really random thoughts I have to get out of my head! (BTW I have a new story coming up, called The extremely late show that doesn't exist. Sorry about the long title. Go check it out!)**

"What does Colonel Bastard want now? Ed muttered grumpily.

"Brother!" Al scolded, as the two walked into the military building.

"What! Every time I come here he mocks me and sends me somewhere unimportant for no reason other to boss me around! He's a jerk, a womanizer, and above all else a BASTARD!" Ed ranted, for what seemed the 100th time. As the two brothers approached said Bastard's office, a shower of sparkles rained down upon them and their eyes widened in fear.

"Welcome Elric Brothers! My fabulous muscles and I are glad to see you!" Armstrong declared. He then ripped off his shirt and started flexing, displaying his 'fabulous' muscles. "Why welcoming people has been passed down the Armstrong family for generations! In fact…" he rambled on; ignoring Ed's pounding of the Colonel's office, to escape the sparkling, emotional man in front of him.

"What _are_ you doing!? Fullmetal! You were supposed to be here an hour ago!" Roy exclaimed, as the door was flung open and Ed fell flat on his feet.

"We missed the train and had to get on the next! Then this nutcase," he pointed towards the still talking, glittering, and posing Armstrong, "Came along." He replied defensively. Roy sighed and muttered,

"My time is even shorter than you are Fullmetal, let's hurry up."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT A FLEA COULD PICK HIM UP AND POCKET HIM!!!!!" Ed shouted, lunging towards the smiling Colonel. Easily sidestepping him, Roy grabbed his collar and proceeded to drag him into his office, ignoring Al's apologies and Ed's protesting.

"Well now that you've shown how umm…_short_ your temper is, we can get this over with. Your report?" Roy smirked.

"Jackass!" Ed griped.

"Perhaps you've forgotten that I am your boss, and I can have you court-martialed for that." Roy said.

"Whatever." Ed grumbled. He then started reporting his search of some unnamed, boring town that very few people lived in and he had no reason to go too.

Meanwhile, Al was sneaking a cat into his armor when the door slammed open and Ed stomped out.

"We're going Al. Now!" He snapped and he hurriedly followed after him. Roy walked out of his office smirking for the 100th time and Riza sighed.

"Sir, do you always have to torment him?" she asked.

"Hey I'm just having fun!" he said.

"Didn't get enough fun last night with what's her face?" Havoc grinned.

"Shut up!"

**Hope you like this randomness. I'll try to update soon! Promise! As long as I get reviews! They make sparkles appear, suspiciously like Armstrong's!**


	2. The Enemy

**A/N: Hey! Here is chapter two! Totally random once again. I wrote this last night, at 1:00 in the morning. So it's weird. But who cares? Hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA…yet.**

Deep in the heart of Amestris is a place called Central. A military controlled area, and inside this place there is a Colonel. Not just any Colonel, the Flame Alchemist. A great man, sexy, intelligent, and just amazingly awesome. Many respect him, some even fear him. Five people stand behind him, helping him get even awesomer. Or so he thought.

Jean Havoc, a cigarette smoker who can't keep a girl for more than a day, if he can even get her in the first place. Who has some sort of flower thing on his head, a different color than the rest of his hair…quite possibly dyed?

Kain Fuery, puppy-loving, well any animal in general, technical geek who looks like he's 11, not 20 something.

Veto Falman, a walking dictionary who has can't-open-my-eyes-lexia. A serious case, in which the victim squints and looks like he can't open his eyes.

Heymens Breda, an easily scared of small animal-like dogs, fat man. A fat Pansy, shall we say.

Last but certainly not least. Riza Hawkeye. A gun-loving harpy, who never smiles, no fun-loner.

But they all work against him. With the enemy. The Furher you say? No. Much, much worse. Paperwork. Every morning, they concoct an evil plan and bring 'it' to his desk, to torment him. Lying on his desk, waiting to attack. If there was any way he could avoid it he would, alas, all of Amestris is counting on him.

But his valiant efforts go unnoticed, even insulted by some. Mainly those who 'help' him. They don't understand the difficulty, how the small print could blind you, the long pages could bore you to death, and all that writing! Really he should be rewarded!

* * *

At that moment, a dark shadow loomed over Roy, and he looked up in fear hoping it wasn't-

"Sir, what are you doing? You should be working on your paperwork." Riza asked, picking up the paper he had been writing on. Shit.

"Uh, I was, umm…can you give that back? It has…uh important…stuff on it." Roy stuttered. He edged towards the door when she didn't reply, instead reading his random thoughts that he, (now that he realized it was stupid) wrote down.

"Enemy. Paperwork. Valiant efforts. No fun, loner. Is that what you think? That I can't have any fun?" Riza said in an eerily calm voice.

"He…he…I-I didn't mean it…I think you can have fun…" Roy stammered, her gun was out, positioned at his 'happy place'.

"Oh I can. And I'm about to show you just how much _fun_ I can have." Riza shouted, and she lunged at him with her gun. He yelped and ran for his life. And thus the chase began. Amestris' noble hero? Or not.

**You know, you'd think Roy would be smarter than that. Hehe. Hope you laughed! Review please!**


	3. DIY! Bacon Dolls?

**Warning: Severe crack!!! Was written 3 in the morning, after 3 bottles of Dr. Pepper, and two bags of Lifesavers!!! You've been warned.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, but I do own my own bacon.**

RIZA POV

Another boring day, which lead to a certain someone slacking off.

"Colonel! I swear one more time and I'll-"

"Relax! I'm just taking a break. You know, all this work isn't healthy." Roy said nonchalantly, leaning back in his chair.

"A break? From what sir? Goofing off? It's not like you've done any work." I shot back annoyed. Today he seemed even more prone to distraction.

"Hey! Look what I found!!" Roy exclaimed, holding up a pack of…bacon. What the fuck? Where the hell did he get that?

"Sir, why do you have a pack of BACON IN YOUR DESK!!?" I shouted. On the other hand, Havoc seemed quite excited.

"You know what we could do with that?"

"No, Jean Havoc. Nobody wants to know. Now get back to work!" I growled. I swear I was about to slap them.

"You know what, you need a break. You always do too much work." Roy said, attempting to open the bacon.

"And you do so little. I do not want, nor will I take a break, sir." I replied angrily.

"How about this then. I order you to take a break. 5 minutes?" he asked. I looked at him suspiciously.

"I'm afraid I'm not going to follow that order sir. Why don't you explain why you want me out of this room so bad?"

"What! Why do you always think I am doing something bad?" Roy complained. He had the bacon laid out on his desk and was prodding it.

"It's in your nature, sir". I muttered.

"Lieutenant." Roy smirked. I wanted to take out my guns and shoot his brains out, wait a second. He has none!

"Fine. As long as you do your work, sir." I said between clenched teeth. "You morons better not do anything stupid…well at least try." I said to Havoc and Roy. Before the door closed, I heard Havoc say,

"Does anybody have markers and string?"

"What? We're not a fricking Hobby Lobby!" Breda said. My god, what we're they up to. I grabbed some coffee, and somehow it had taken five minutes, so I headed back to the office. What I heard outside the office door scared me.

"I want to be Regina!! You take Valerie! Fine! Anyways, then I get to decide what we're doing. Hmm…How about they're going to the mall to get some sparkly lip gloss!! You know something cool like that!" Roy's voice…I really hoped not…

"Ok!" Havoc's voice became very high pitched now. "So Valerie, Guess what happened. You'll never guess!! Thomas asked me out to the prom!! Eeeeee!!"

"What! Not T-Thomas! The Thomas??? Super hotty-hot pants Thomas!!!" Roy's equally high pitched voice squealed. I could not believe that this was happening. I had to stop them. At this point I was on the floor laughing, my coffee long forgotten.

"Yes Thomas! He told me how cute my hair was. Can you believe it!?" Havoc gushed.

"No way! Omigosh!! You have to tell me what happens!!!" I couldn't stand it any longer, if I let them continue, my saneness and theirs would be long gone. I burst through the door, and what I saw made me freeze. Roy was sitting on the floor in front of his desk, with a yellow string-haired piece of bacon. Someone had crudely drawn a face on it and put on a puke colored…shawl? Dress? What ever the heck it was.

Havoc was holding an equally hideous…thing. "Oh…wow. Umm…"

"What?" Roy said.

"Your two fully grown men, playing with bacon dolls and you're asking me what?" I questioned, my eyebrows raised.

"There's nothing wrong with it!" Havoc said back defensively.

"Oh yeah…nothing wrong with it."

"We were bored!" Roy exclaimed.

"Okay, so that justifies you to…never mind. I'm going to take a break, twenty minutes. That should be enough time to get whatever the hell is in your systems out…" I said.

"You mean we can keep playing?" Havoc asked.

"Yes." I sighed.

"Okay, then this will be called 'Regina and Valerie's pool party'. Maybe Thomas will come!" Roy said, thrilled. I shut the door and sat down, intending on enjoying myself for the next twenty minutes. When I said a boring day, I meant boring.

**Umm…uh…just review please!! I'll even send you a limited edition bacon doll!!!**


	4. WHAT?

**A/N: Ha ha, this one was my friends idea. Thanks for this…. Anyways hope you laugh, I know I did. I also hope this never ever ever ever ever happens. Poor Fuery. Hee hee.**

"Gah! Days like this make me wish that Hawkeye was here with her piles of paperwork." Roy sighed, and then realized what he said.

"You sure chief? I mean it's boring…but would you really want to resort to paperwork?" Havoc asked.

"Whoa, never thought you'd say something like that." Breda said, laughing.

"Where is she anyways?" Falman questioned. Indeed their favorite lieutenant was gone.

"It's her day off and-" Roy started to say.

"And it means we can do whatever we want." Havoc replied grinning at Breda. Roy sighed again and got up.

"I'm going to talk to General Grumman about something, I'm sure you guys will be fine. Do your work, blah blah. Whatever." Roy said, as he left the room. Havoc smiled, and he leaned over to Breda.

"What are you guys doing?" Fuery asked, noticing the two.

"Oh, uh nothing. Hey Falman, come here I want you to take a look at this…uh word. I need the definition." Breda replied. Falman walked over confused, and Fuery went back to work.

"Okay, so we're bored and have nothing to do. Any ideas?" Havoc asked the two.

"Uh…not really. We could put a prank on the Colonel." Breda suggested.

"Nah, it has to be something fun…wait a minute. Ha ha ha." Havoc laughed manically. "I've got the perfect idea. Fuery's straight right?"

"Uh…I'm pretty sure. Well…yeah he is." Breda answered.

"So, what does this have to do with it?" Falman asked.

"We're going to play a prank on little innocent Fuery. Here's the plan. We're going to pretend to be gay, and go 'after' Fuery. Pretend like we…hmm…I know. We want him to be gay! But right when we're about to 'have our way with him' we'll stop, and tell him." Havoc whispered. Breda and Falman stared at him. "What?"

"Well I guess it's not a bad idea…kinda creepy, but I'm bored so I'll do it." Breda said, and Falman did the same.

Fuery looked over to the whispering men and was about to ask what they were doing when they got up.

"Hey Fuery!" Breda said, trying his best not to crack up.

"Uh, hello Breda. What were you guys talking about?" Fuery answered.

"Oh nothing, just umm…tactics for chess." Breda thought up quickly.

"Really? I like chess, could I-"

"Hello Fuery." Havoc said, right behind him. Falman was on Fuery's left and Breda walked in front of him.

"Uh, g-guys. What are you doing?" he asked nervously.

"You got yourself a girlfriend?" Havoc asked, leaning close to Fuery in an uncomfortable way.

"Um, no…B-Breda, what are you d-doing?" Fuery replied. Breda had been stroking his arm, and now he reached up towards Fuery collar, and 'adjusted' it.

"Nothing. Why? Does it bother you?" He grinned leaning in very close towards his face.

"Ah, it's hot in here don't you think Havoc?" Falman said, taking off his jacket then putting a hand on Fuery's forehead. "Are you okay, you look…hot."

"Um, guys. I-I need to g-get back to w-work and HAVOC! What are you DOING!?" Fuery yelped.

"Sorry, my hands tend to…wander. You do look hot. Here, let me help you." Havoc smiled, he had run his hands down the young boy's chest. He unbuttoned Fuery's jacket and slowly removed it.

"P-Please s-stop g-guys." Fuery begged. "I'm not g-gay! Havoc!! Please!!"

"Oh, but you will be." Falman jeered. The three men looked at each other and smiled.

Meanwhile, Roy was coming back from General Grumman's office, after he lost spectacularly to a game of chess, and picking up some paperwork. He walked up to his door and opened it and dropped his papers.

"What the fuck!?" Roy yelled. Havoc was lying on the ground on Fuery's side, his jacket off (and Fuery's) and his hand on Fuery's chest, Breda had Fuery's boot in his hand and was leaning a bit to close to his…'special place', while Falman was leaning over Fuery's head whispering in his ear. Fuery was sobbing uncontrollably, his clothes disheveled.

"What the hell are you doing!" Roy yelled again, his face noticeably more pale.

"No! It's not what you think!" Havoc tried to explain, pulling his jacket back on.

"I swear, we weren't doing what you thought we were!" Falman protested, getting up.

"It was a joke!" Breda pleaded, letting go of Fuery's boot.

"Uh……" Roy just turned around and ran as quick as he could away from the scene before him.

"Damn. Maybe that wasn't one of our better ideas…" Havoc said quietly.

"You think?" Breda snapped back. The awkward silence was only interrupted by Fuery's bawling.

The next day, Roy tried his best to avoid his other subordinates. Fuery had taken a week off to recover from the event, going into therapy.

"Uh, sir. What are you doing?" Riza questioned, as he quickly shut the door and gave a big sigh.

"Nothing!" Roy said.

"Hey chief, here's some papers you need to-"

"OkayI'llgetthemdonethanksbye!" Roy said, looking fearful. He grabbed the papers from Havoc slammed the door and sat down at his desk.

"Is there something wrong? Did I miss anything yesterday?" Riza asked, puzzled over her superiors behavior. His eyes widened and he shook his head, turning pale.

"N-Nothing…happened."

"Then where's Fuery?" she questioned. Roy decided to tell her and went over and whispered in her ear. She opened her mouth in shock.

"WHAT HAPPENED!?"

**Okay, I will be forever scarred. Thanks a lot, to my friend who gave me this idea; who I know is reading this. Review…if you want. I need to go lie down and call my therapist…**


	5. Stress can be a good thing

**All of you that reviewed last chapter HUG!!! Oh, and hugs for Fuery too…disturbing. Ha-ha. I wanted to write a story where it wasn't completely screwed up, so sorry if this is a bit boring. Enjoy!!**

Roy cursed under his breath. It was 1 in the morning and he was still working. "Damn papers!" he muttered as he desperately tried to finish them. He still had a quarter of them left, and he had sent Riza home a while ago. Roy felt bad that she would stay and help, even though he had been snapping at her all day, and she always helped him when he got behind. She was hesitant to leave but in the end she did.

He still had a quarter left, it wasn't that he slacked off; it was just that that he had so much to do. He had to find Scar and the evasive serial killer, a job in which the higher-ups decided that they were too important to do. So they gave the job to Roy and his team.

It was 2 when he finally finished the papers that were due the next day. Mumbling under his breath about 'stupid officers' and 'damn paperwork' and even 'have to find a bathroom', he pulled on his jacket and left. As he was walking home he thought, _maybe this is a good thing, I'll have a chance at impressing the higher-ups if I can find Scar and maybe even get a promotion._ Roy sighed, having to get up at 7; he had about 4 and half hours of sleep. "Might as well stayed there." He grumbled. He knew there was going to be so much paperwork the next day, really what was so important that required stacks and stacks of papers? He smirked, he would probably never know. It's not like he read them.

He got home and pulled off his uniform and got into bed. Relaxing, he closed his eyes and right then, the phone rang. Picking up the phone he said,"Hello?"

"HEY ROY! You might want to get your ass down here, Hakuro called an emergency meeting!" Maes said. "Apparently someone…saw Scar so they're freaking out. Honestly, it's 3 in the morning though, who do they think they're kidding?" he asked.

"Ugh! Are you serious! Wait, what was that pause for?" Roy questioned.

"Well…by saw I mean killed." Maes replied.

"Crap. Okay, I'll be there soon." Roy slammed the phone down. He donned his uniform once more and left, very upset. He had been working overtime for the past week. He had better get a promotion!

* * *

"Roy! There you are! Don't you look beautiful." Maes said, spotting Roy.

"Gee thanks buddy," Roy said sarcastically. It wasn't like he had been sleeping very well. "So who's this person that got killed?"

"Some civilian. Here, the meeting is over here." Maes directed. They walked into the crowded room and sat down.

"Why are there so many people here? It's not like it's their investigation." Roy muttered.

"Aren't you so happy?" Maes said, grinning at his annoyed friend.

"Well, I was woken up at 3, when I was just getting ready for bed. I don't really have a reason to not be mad." Roy shot back.

"Thank you for coming on such short notice," Hakuro began.

"And early" Maes whispered.

"This is very urgent; for it seems now that not only is just state-alchemist that are being targeted, but random people off the street. Colonel Mustang, how is that investigation going? Did you know he was in Central?" Hakuro inquired a slight accusation in his voice.

"We had a tip that he was in a camp, on the very outskirts with other rebel Ishballans." Roy replied, annoyed that he would blame this murder on him.

"Well, obviously he isn't anymore. We can't have anymore people dying, if you can't handle this simple investigation, we'll give it someone who can, understand?" he said. Other officers snickered; as many of them hated him for being so young and having his position.

"Yes sir, I apologize, I'll get on it immediately." Roy said, trying to control the shaking in his voice. What he really wanted to say wasn't very appropriate, and what Hakuro said next, made him want to punch him.

"Well, this could have been prevented. How is your other investigation going? Any other 'misunderstandings'?"

"No, sir. We…haven't got any leads on them." He said reluctantly.

"Really? Hmm, well Colonel, we can't have two serial killers running around. What do you propose we do?" _Jackass_, Roy thought. He enjoys making me look like an idiot; Hakuro was one of the ones who didn't want him to be included in the investigations.

"I suppose we continue trying to find them, I have my best men on it." Roy said, through clenched teeth.

"Careful." Maes whispered.

"Tell them to do better, is that understood?" Hakuro said.

"Yes, sir." Roy replied, his hands were clenched beneath him, in prevention of not doing anything rash. Like burning the smartass General to a crisp, something he really wanted to do. The meeting went on and on, and by the end of it; Roy was desperately trying to fight his lids from closing.

"Hakuro's an ass." Maes said to Roy, as they left.

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

"Don't worry about him, I'll do a bit of investigating myself, and report directly back to you." Maes offered.

"Thanks, now I can focus on the other serial killer. And that stupid paperwork. Hawkeye has been helping me, but I've still had to stay after every night this week." Roy explained.

"Jeez, how much more crap are they going to dump on you?" Maes asked.

"Who knows? Anyway, what time is it? Is it even worth going back home?"

"Uh, it's like…5! Damn, that meeting was two hours."

"Two hours? No wonder I was falling asleep." Roy said, and Maes looked at him.

"Well it's not like you weren't already falling asleep, I'm going to stay here, there's no point in bothering my sleeping angels. By the way…" He started digging around in his pockets, and Roy took that as a sign for him to leave.

"See ya Maes."

"Wait! Don't you want to look at a precious picture of Elicia with a cookie??" Roy just waved good bye. He was going to go to his office, and just take a nap and then get to work on the papers that were probably already there. Maes sighed, if Roy was under pressure, it would mean he would be grumpy, and mad. This wasn't very good for his subordinates. Oh well, Maes thought as he went to his office. It wasn't his problem.

**Okay, this is going to be continued in the next chapter of ATO,where the stress turns into a good thing! Review as always or I'll get Hakuro to bitch to you about crap. XD**


End file.
